"Hetero Awesome Fest" [barf]

The Idaho State Capitol from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idaho_State_Capitol

I got a text from a friend the other day with a link to a news article and the message: “I saw this and thought of you.” That article is titled, “‘Hetero Awesome Fest’ planned for Idaho capitol during LGBTQ Pride Month.” 

I was immediately paranoid because why would this bullshit make anyone think of me? When I inquired further, she clarified: “I think hetero males being uncomfortable with LGTB+ [sic] and pride. Celebrating LGTB+ doesn’t take away from hetero males. I know you’ve commented as such.”

Ah. Well then! Yes! She goes on to say, “Like these are the people you’re ‘battling’ against given some of your posts. You’re using your privilege and powers for good vs these idiots.” Girl, you’ve made my day. So let’s take a closer look at more straight while male fragility and make fun of it, shall we?

"The Hetero Awesome Fest and Heterosexual Awesomeness Month aim to celebrate the traditional family unit and address concerns about cultural trends influenced by liberal progressivism," [Mike] Fitzpatrick, who has owned the bar for two years, said in an email. "Our event is not about targeting any group but about raising awareness of practices we find troubling, such as the encouragement of 'gender transitions' among children or their exposure to inappropriate content."

First of all, bro, you live in Idaho. This isn’t exactly New York’s West Village or San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury. Your State Senate has 29 Republicans and 6 Democrats; your House of Representatives has 61 Republicans and 9 Democrats. Your Governor is Republican. Both of your senators (one of whom, Jim Risch, I met in person almost 20 years ago and found to be a clueless fucking dick) and both of your representatives are Republican. I think your concerns about “cultural trends influenced by liberal progressivism” are probably a bit overstated, at least in terms of Idaho politics and their direct impact on your day-to-day life. But then, I don't live there, so maybe suburban Boise is the new queer capital of the world, I don't know.

Moving on, and, oh Christ… this next graf. Let’s break it into two parts.

Shot:

Fitzpatrick has said on social media that Pride Month exists “so LGBTQ can march down the street doing disgusting and criminal activities while demanding to be celebrated” and that the community “encourages children to cut off their sex organs.”

Chaser (emphasis mine):

Fitzpatrick said last year that he had never been to Boise Pride. The festival hasn’t been held in June since 2020, when organizers rescheduled it for September due to the pandemic and decided to permanently adopt the change due to better weather, among other factors. 

Great work, counsel! No notes on your reasoning there! This doesn’t seem at all reactionary, rooted in ignorance and fear, or blatantly (and wrongly) inflammatory, no sir! You’ve clearly got your finger on the pulse of what Pride is all about, yes you do! I know I’m smartest when I make outlandish assertions about events I’ve never attended!

Stripping away the snark for a moment, the whole provably false “encouraging children to cut off their sex organs” thing will never not bother me. It displays a grotesque lack of empathy for people undergoing an incredibly invasive, painful, expensive, laborious, and unfathomably lengthy process just to live their lives in a way that makes sense to them only to come out the other side into a culture that ostensibly hates, ridicules, and ostracizes them.

No one would ever “encourage” anyone to undergo this series of treatments. People pursue gender-affirming treatments because they truly feel like they’re in the wrong body down to the core of their bones, their heart, and their soul, you glib fucking moron. You have no idea how this feels, and frankly, neither do I. The difference between us is that, unlike you, I embody the traditional conservative value of leaving people the fuck alone and allowing them agency over how to best live their own lives. Also, tell me you’ve never actually sat down and chatted with a transgendered person without telling me you’ve never actually sat down and chatted with a transgendered person.

I think it also bears mention that less than 1% of people who undergo gender-affirmation surgeries regret their decision to do so. Here’s the receipt on that one, asshole.

“I’m always going to side with what God says,” Fitzpatrick told NBC affiliate KTVB of Boise last year. “If the Bible says that it’s a sin to act out in homosexuality, then I’m going to agree with what the Bible says. 

Please just hit me with your car instead of making me listen to someone trot out this tired and thoroughly debunked horseshit again. This guy is cherry-picking from the Bible – that I will bet you a crisp high five he hasn’t even read in a meaningful way – and clearly doesn’t care because it gives him an easy clothesline upon which to hang his lazy bigotry. The West Wing did a fine job of eviscerating this nonsense all the way back in 1999. So, if you need a refresher, take it away President Bartlet!

“Can’t go downtown to Boise during that time because of Pride Fest and everything that happens with it,” he said. 

I’m sorry, what? You said yourself you’ve never even been to Pride. What the fuck are you even talking about?

‘What could we do to celebrate in June that would be different than what’s going on downtown? Can we be different than what Pride has been celebrating every June?

Again, Pride hasn’t been held in June in Boise since 2019. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

What if we celebrated God’s design for sexuality? What would that look like?’ And within a few seconds, I thought, ‘Man, heterosexuality is awesome.’” 

You know what? As a heterosexual myself, I think it’s pretty awesome too! Of the available paths for sexual orientation, this one seems to be the easiest by far. One of the chief reasons for that is that I personally don’t have to deal with insecure, butthurt, needle-dicked shitheads like you being threatened by my lifestyle and my desire to celebrate it publicly for one weekend a year even though it has absolutely no impact on you whatsoever. That is, admittedly, very nice!

Because that’s just it. Literally the entire world is built with the comfort of the straight and cisgendered as its foremost concern. 99% of the entire culture is engineered to the tastes of this group. And yet, you are such a petty, paranoid, whiny pissbaby that even one month out of the year is a bridge too far for your delicate, precious sensibilities that you have to run smug counterprogramming against it. Please find the biggest, wettest bag of shit and eat it.

Here’s the thing: Even when Pride month happens, all of the existing straight shit is still there! It doesn’t magically vaporize! You’re not forced to drape yourself in rainbows, suddenly dress in drag, or jam out to Lady Gaga in a sweaty underground dance club. Your “Heterosexual Awareness Month” is thoroughly unnecessary because EVERY GODDAMN MONTH is Heterosexual Awareness Month, including June! Ask anyone in the LGBTQ+ community just how ubiquitous straight culture is, and they’ll tell you how it actually feels to be repressed and marginalized literally all the time. More to the point, it isn’t your lifestyle or your very survival that’s under attack.

Your passport isn’t being confiscated or denied. Your kids aren’t being denied the chance to play high school sports. States aren’t writing laws trying to legislate you entirely out of existence. The LGBTQ+ community is fighting for their fucking lives! And you’re like DURRRRR QUIT OPPRESSIN’ ME YOUR GAYNESS DURRRRRR.

This shit wears me out. Even if you don’t like Pride, even if you enjoy wrapping yourself in a warm blanket of bigotry and dislike the LGBTQ+ community, please just kindly shut the fuck up. That option is always available to you, and I wish more of you fuckwits took it. Pride affects you exactly not-at-all.

Or perhaps you could take an actual lesson from the Bible and “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Live and let live, man. The LGBTQ+ community is not dissimilar from any other community in that they want to lead fulfilling lives where they’re granted the same basic rights, humanity and courtesies we would hope to receive for ourselves.

Apparently that desire, and a public expression of that desire, is a bridge too far for Mike Fitzpatrick.

Hey Mike, you and your dorky festival for chumps can get fucked.