The New York Times' "New Punk Rock" vs. Reality

Two people who actually know what punk rock stands for.

The bar for my expectations for the New York Times’ ability to report anything of any real value for regular people is underneath the floorboards and possibly completely subterranean. This paper seems to exist mostly to launder war crimes for the current administration, provide a forum for eugenicists, grifters and effete Manhattan center-right weirdos on their opinion page, and sanewash naked corruption and gutter racism from the holders of the highest offices in the land. It’s a dumb publication for stupid people who either think they’re smart, or wish they were smart but have either no idea how to get there or are too lazy to try in earnest. I mostly ignore the New York Times until I’m forced not to. Here’s the headline and its attendant piece that inspired the following 2,500 words:

Where Testosterone and the Bible Are the ‘New Punk Rock’ by Ruth Graham

Oh, goddammit. You’ve invoked the phrase “new punk rock,” associated it with the least punk shit on earth, and now I’m gonna have to read this thing, aren’t I? Fuck right off. Welp, no time like the present to dive right in, I suppose. Words directly from the Times in italics, my comments follow. Opening paragraph:

At Freedom Con, there were feats of strength and CrossFit contests. There was an obstacle course and a station for practicing how to change a tire. There was prayer and music, and original verse from a pastor and tactical gear salesman known as the Warrior Poet.

First of all, “Freedom Con” lol. Both word choices in that name are genuinely hilarious because I guarantee whatever version of “freedom” is presented here is going to be a whole shitload of traditional values and forced conformity. Thank you for telling me how to act, how to vote, and how to look! I feel so free!!! And secondly, yep, this feels like it’s going to be a con, all right. I’ll be there are plenty of folks on standby ready to help part you from your money at Freedom Con.

“Freedom Con” gets funnier every time I look at it. Also, it’s important that the man people look to for spiritual guidance also is an avid reader of Soldier of Fortune who can give you credulous off-the-record advice on how not to build your own ghost gun wink wink, like Jesus would have wanted. Sorry, I didn’t even make it through the whole first paragraph. Let’s see how this plane lands, shall we?

There were exhortations from the stage to run for office, to have more babies, and to reject “woke secular gay paganism.”

Hey, alright! You couldn’t work “feminist” in there too, Mr. Tactical Gear Pastor? Four scary words is enough for the be-Oakleyed, fake tough guy, Van-Dyke-beard-wearers who are afraid of cities and public transportation, I suppose. Also, the fact that the newspaper of record is platforming this shit makes me want to stick my face into a bandsaw. Moving on. And, oh Christ, deep breath in…

“Heterosexual, sober men who marry girls and read Bibles, we’re the new punk rock!” the pastor Mark Driscoll said in a fiery sermon that brought attendees to their feet.

Jesus fucking Christ. NO THE FUCK YOU ARE NOT. FUCK YOU. Trying to borrow some credibility you absolutely did not fucking earn, nor do you fucking deserve makes you such a pathetic ass poseur. You know nothing about punk rock, you absolute fraud, you contemptible turd, you unfathomable dingus. Find the biggest, wettest bag of shit, and eat it, you dildo.

You are the quite literally the living embodiment of the oppressive system punk rock hopes to destroy. Modern Conservatism amounts to little more than a very small, very loud, cabal of rich, white asshole men who fill their diapers day after day throwing tantrums about how aggrieved they are at the cultural de-centering of white masculinity. They’re aided and abetted by people who either don’t know better but should, craven grifters on the take, and poor white assholes who have no power, but want it (and will never get it). In the words of the esteemed Space Monkey Mafia and their song Cult of Idiocracy, “it’s a big, big club and you ain’t in it.”

Second of all, the perpetual victimhood fantasy of people like this will never not be equal parts funny and enraging to me. No one is coming to your church and telling you to stop worshipping. No one is forcing you to… what – I don’t even know? … have a gay marriage against your will. No one is opening your mouth, sticking a funnel in it and making you chug Malort. You get to live your lives literally exactly as you see fit, free from harassment. You’re just pissed a business you used to like flew a Pride flag or you had to smell marijuana when you were forced into the city once upon a time.

You know who doesn’t get to live their lives free from harassment? Many of my friends in the punk scene who deal with ACTUAL discrimination. My trans homies can tell you story after story of bias and discrimination both implicit and very, very explicit. So can my pals who are Indigenous, Black, Latino/a, LGBTQ, friends who aren’t totally able-bodied… the list goes on and on.

The new punk rock? Get fucked with a shovel.

The next few paragraphs are expositional – where this thing was, background info on its origin, the fact that it’s an offshoot of THE PROMISE KEEPERS (the 90s are fully back, baby!) shit like that – so let’s move along.

“What we’re trying to do is be better men,” Mr. Slaughter said. Many of the members have become sober and started marriage counseling since joining the group. Mr. Slaughter has gotten a handle on an anger problem, he said.

Ok, great! Getting sober is a life turning point for many! And marriage counseling, wow! Terrific! These are good outcomes! Be less angry! Good! I wonder if there’s anything else I should know about Mr. Slaughter.

(Federal prosecutors accused Mr. Slaughter of attacking Capitol Police officers in the riot on Jan. 6, 2021, but the case was dismissed last year when President Trump granted sweeping clemency to participants. Mr. Slaughter described the charges in an interview as “a lot of lies.”)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Of fucking course. I’ll give you this, Ruth Graham: That juxtaposition could not have been executed better by no less than The Onion itself. Brava. Let’s get back to Mr. Tactical Gear Pastor, who in the next paragraph has this gem of a description: “Accused of bullying and cultivating a culture of fear at his church in Seattle, he now leads a large congregation in Scottsdale, Ariz., and has a huge online following.” Great! Sounds like an even-keeled fella. What’s he got to say?

His sermon on Friday swept through the first books of Genesis and Exodus, drawing connections between ancient biblical stories and contemporary American politics. He described the Tower of Babel as an illustration of the perils of globalism, and an entity faced by Moses as “the transgender god of Egypt.”

First of all, Genesis and Exodus are in the Old Testament, and therefore the Torah, which, to paraphrase an old Lewis Black bit, he said Christians don’t get to claim the Old Testament because they read it and said, “Yeah, ok. But we’ve got this amazing new character coming in Part II! You guys are gonna love him! Oh wait… hold on. You’re probably not going to like who we blame for his death.”

Second, I don’t know my Bible trivia well enough to know who he’s referring to as “the transgender god of Egypt” but that sounds like a show that runs at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas 4x a night that the pit boss offers you tickets for because you got on a mild heater at a $10 blackjack table. Also, the fear of transgender people is an immediate red flag and makes me clock you as a booger-eating moron. You want to talk about a literal modern-day, Old Testament-ass, honest-to-God, modern day scapegoat, look no further than transgender people. They have had nearly all of contemporary society’s sins dropped on them unfairly, and now they’re chastised, persecuted, marginalized, attacked, degraded, and sometimes outright killed. Often the perpetrators of such atrocities are similar to people who attend shit like this and hide their hate behind a thin veil of piousness.

“New days, old demons,” he said. “You men need to understand, if you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention.”

Hey, no argument here. But this is like if you watched Star Wars together, and this guy wouldn’t shut up about how unfairly the Imperial Army is getting treated at every turn.

Grace City Church, a large congregation in nearby Wenatchee, Wash., spearheaded the event under the auspices of Stronger Man Nation, a men’s ministry. Both were founded by Josh McPherson, a pastor who has been invited to pray for Mr. Trump in the White House and whose empire now includes a popular podcast and a new “antiwoke” college he envisions as a “Protestant West Point.”

Nothing more punk rock than praying for President Trump, that’s for sure. And if you haven’t caught on yet, “antiwoke” is lazy code for “whites only,” which is the ultimate endpoint of all this shit. If you’re a closeted or aspiring white supremacist, here’s a list of euphemisms you can use to get credulous journalists to talk to you and take you seriously. Start with “antiwoke,” because the Times loves this shit for some reason.

“Even young men like me, who want to be providers, who want to start a family, who want to say no to vice and live a righteous life, are crushed by the weight of tyranny,” David Prince, a student at Grace City’s new college, said from the stage on Saturday during a presentation with other Gen Z men.

I would have LOVED for this writer to do some, y’know, journalism here and ask the obvious follow-up of “And who is the perpetrator of this tyranny you reference?” That’s going to be a mask-off moment if he says anything other than “The most corrupt federal government in the history of this country and the bottomless greed of a handful of ultra-capitalist ghouls who want everyone to own nothing, know nothing, and be dependent upon them for meager survival.” That’s who’s actually got their boot on your fucking neck, guy.

It ain’t the socialists, the globalists, the gay agenda, transgender people, George Soros, woke ideology, or any of the other fake boogeymen you’ve perversely fetishized as holding some mystical, ill-defined spellbinding hold over the levers of power. It is the very motherfuckers you’re now carrying water for right before they fuck you in the ass again with a spiked, steel dildo.  They’re the ones yanking the joystick that is crushing you with two tons of unironic tyranny and preventing you from living the life you want to live.

Look, this thing goes on for another 700 or so words with some of the speakers imploring attendees to pay attention to downballot races and not just pay attention to president, and contains a grim snapshot of what it’s like to be a woman in a cordoned-off area with a whiteboard that reads: “Ladies — please be considerate and enjoy this space quietly. We want to minimize distractions so our men can listen.”

And I could continue fisking this thing and dunking on these moron shitheels until I’m blue in the face, but I’m tired. I’m not just tired of this rock stupid article about these misguided dunces, I’m tired of living in a world like this. Because here’s the bottom line. This shit ain’t real life. This is small handful of kooks who have been sold a bill of goods they truly don’t deserve. But they’re all being groomed to be soldiers in a war that ultimately won’t benefit them, and cast them into the gutter once their tenure as useful idiots is over.

Real life is seeing the joy in New York when the Knicks won the NBA Championship and how regular people from every walk of life are hugging, singing, and celebrating in the street. It’s people from all over the world finding out how lovely normal Americans are in every corner of America. Because the truth is that if you’re someone who is “anti-diversity,” “anti-city” or “anti-multiculturalism,” you are AT BEST a colossal and uncreative bore. The world is beautiful and just waiting to be explored, and you’re determined to exert your hegemony on everyone else because you’re scared, you’re stupid, or you’ve been fucking LIED TO by some of the worst people on earth.

And you are 180 degrees away from being “the new punk rock.”

You know who is punk rock? Rob Rover Rushing. Check out this recent profile of him and his organization Punk Rock Saves Lives in the Denver Gazette. Here’s a direct quote from him in that piece:

“People think punks are these abrasive, scary kids, when the truth is, most punks actually care about people and the world around them,” Rushing said. “The mantra of the metal-punk hard-rock mosh pits is that if someone falls down, we pick them back up.”

And here’s what his organization Punk Rock Saves Lives does:

Operating directly at concerts and festivals, Punk Rock Saves Lives has added more than 25,000 people to the national bone-marrow registry, one concert swab at a time, since 2019. About 1 in 100 matches with someone who has been diagnosed with a blood cancer, leukemia or lymphoma – which happens once every 3 minutes in America. About 1 in 1,000 eventually provides an actual, life-saving bone-marrow transfusion.

Visit the PRSL booth at any concert, and you’ll also find ear plugs, feminine hygiene products, Naloxone (which can save someone’s life if they’re OD’ing on opioids), fentanyl test strips, little vinyl stickers that say “fuck” – so you can show someone you give a fuck, lol – and a whole host of other products that just demonstrate care for your community. It’s all available for free, by the way.

I spoke to Rob on my old show literally two years ago to the day that this fucking crayon-eating New York Times piece came out and the difference between what I and the New York Times and Mr. Tactical Gear Pastor find to be punk rock is quite striking. Whereas they can talk all they want about how white christian nationalism is the new punk rock and do all the fucking crossfit demonstrations and tactical gear sales they want, you know nothing about the reality of punk rock.

You can find it in my conversation with Tor Ericksen, former owner of East Fax Tap talking about how the punk community literally saved his business. This is a man who knew nothing about punk prior to Rob showing up at his business as he was on the verge of losing it, and how the punk rockers showed up and showed out turning his fortunes around and built a community built on love, support, and loud fucking music. Tor choked up talking about what this community did for him and what it means to him.

You can find it in my posting about one of my best buddies needing a kidney, and my punk rock homies signal boosting it and sharing it even though they’ve never met him and likely never will. You can find it in bands playing a show to raise money for one of our pals being unable to pay for dental surgery for her dog. I couldn’t attend the show, but I stopped by and chipped in $20 to show at least a little support. She raised the money, the dog got the surgery, and helping people feels rad. As Rob says, the ethos of the mosh pit is when someone falls down, we pick them up. That’s punk rock.

“New days, old demons,” he said. “You men need to understand, if you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention.”

Yeah, no fucking shit, asswipe. I’m angry that what’s supposed to be America’s Paper of Record is running cover for misogynists and aspiring fascists, then calling it “punk rock.”

You want a real punk rock revolution? Get into your community and help. Support local businesses. Volunteer. Donate. Stand up for the people whose rights are actually getting trampled.

And until you show me that you care about everybody – y’know, the way Jesus told you to – keep my scene’s name the fuck out of your stupid mouth.